6 Things People Shouldn't Marry (But Did Anyway)

Love often goes strange ways, even more so if it goes against any known conventions. See, there's your typical marriage: Man meets girl, they fall in love, they marry, and everybody's happy (hopefully). Sometimes, a man meets a man, or a woman meets a woman, and they too want to feel the bonding that supposedly only marriage can give two lovers. Now, things look grim for those people, because this already goes against what people might call 'God's will' or 'standard behaviour', but people, I say, let them be, for there are much, much more weird marriages going on in the world. Here are only a few.


6. Video Game Characters

Most of you have heard of the Japanese guy, Sal9000, who married his 'girlfriend' from the videogame Love Plus last year. The event took place on Guam and resembled a full blown wedding, only in small scale. It was broadcast live on a video streaming community website called Nico Nico Douga that Sal9000 was an avid member of, the ceremony had a DJ and a priest, a slideshow and video depicting how Sal9000 and his virtual girlfriend, Nene, met, and - of course - the groom got to kiss the bride.


Yeah. Romantic, right?

This video has some more interesting information on Sal9000 and the love of his life, but what I find even more interesting is the background behind loving two-dimensional characters.
Get this: There is (or was, considering the date this article was posted) an online petition and campaign in Japan to legally allow marriage between human beings and fictitious 2D-characters. But that is not the weird part.
The weird part is: There were over one thousand people all over Japan who signed this petition. At the time, remember. Who knows how many more there were during the end run?

Only in Japan, right? Wrong:

5. Cats and Dogs

Let's head over to Germany, shall we?
Uwe Mitzscherlich, a 39-year-old postman from the very east of Germany married his ill cat in his back yard, in private. Attending were only a German actress no one has ever heard of clumsily portraying the registrar, his brother as his best man and, of course, the press. Seriously, it's a blast, see it all here (in German).
I found an English article about it as well, but it doesn't even come close to conveying the weirdness and awkwardness behind all this.
For further proof, here is what he says while talking to his lucky soon-to-be-wife:

'Now we'll get married, my dear. We've been living together for 10 years now and today I'll say to you: I will, in all times, my dear Cecilia. Together we will give birth to many children, and soon we will go on our honey moon.'

We will give birth to many children.

Let that sink in for a moment. Legal or not, this is just wrong.

Meanwhile, in India 33-year-old Selva Kumar married a dog. To be fair, he only did it because he hoped he would be lifted of a curse - paralysed legs and hands as well as one-sided loss of hearing - he thought he had fallen under after killing two dogs.

He died three days later.

4. A Pillow

There are some weird pillows out there, I mentioned a few in an earlier post. What wasn't on that list of weird pillows were so-called dakimakura, lifesize depictions of manga/anime girls in lascivious poses, often barely clothed. Like so.

Those pillows are mostly 'used' (indeed quite literally) by otakus, manga- and anime-loving boys/men such as Korean Lee Jin-Gyu, who married his fluffy love object, even fitting it out with a wedding dress. Friends say that Lee is basically obsessed with his girlpillow, going so far as even ordering a meal for her/it at restaurants.
Well, I assume it's a win-win situation - he doesn't have to share, and he even gets an extra portion. More wedding cake for Lee!

This article very thoroughly describes the life of Nisan, a Japanese otaku who fell in love with Nemutan, who also happens to be a love pillow. It also depicts the current situation of so-called 2-D lovers, people who feel more comfortable with loving fictitious characters than other human beings. This phenomenon is, in slang, called moe, after the Japanese words for 'burning' or 'budding', and its participants like to see it as a sort of 'enlightenment training', since it is a way of freeing oneself of judgement and rejection by others.
Those who are not 2-D lovers, though, are likely to see it as an escape for those who are, fleeing into their imagination and even declare it as some sort of sickness.

Well, normal it ain't, that's for sure.

3. The Berlin Wall

Let's kick up the proportions a little, shall we?

Eija-Riitta Wallis Winther Arja Nikki Lee Eklöf claims to have married the Berlin Wall, going as far as adding the German name to her already hilariously long name. She even has a whole website describing her love to it, celebrating its birthday and - very cute - writing freakin love poems for it. In different languages.

Excerpt:

The Berlin Wall, you are so
magnificent, You are so sexy.
I enjoy every moment I'm
together with you.
The Berlin Wall, you mean
ALL to me!

Yeah. Sexy.

On a sidenote: Mrs. Eklöf-Berliner-Mauer is a pioneer of 'objectum sexuality', which is basically the love towards inanimate objects (of course on a much deeper scale, but I won't describe it in detail here. Let's just say that I have seen things.), and this is exactly the direction we're heading right now. Now for something more... phallic:

2. The Eiffel Tower

Another marriage that caused a full name change, Erika La Tour Eiffel has married France's 1,000ft iron national emblem. On their first-year anniversary she climbed one of her 'husbands' beams. Naked.

Before she fell in love with the tourist attraction she was more into weaponry: La Tour Eiffel had relationships with a bow named Lance and a sword (awesome!...kinda). At least with those 'lovers' she could experience some sort of intimacy - with the Eiffel Tower? Not so much I assume. And what about jealousy? I know I wouldn't like having thousands of people climbing ... uh, wait. No, I think I'm fine. Because my relationships didn't include goddamn tourist attractions.

As the page states, 'La Tour Eiffel has been diagnosed with a chronic post-traumatic stress disorder due to abandonment and sexual abuse she suffered while growing up', which in itself sucks but maybe explains her sexual or rather romantic interest in objects: If children can't experience the loving and care they need from their parents and their surrounding, they might turn towards objects for compensation.

Gee, now I'm all sad. :( How about something fun? Let's say...


1. A Freakin Rollercoaster?!

Yes, it's true: Amy Wolfe married the 1001 Nachts funride located in Knoebels Amusement Park, Pennsylvania. She, as well, changed her surname to showcase her bond with the love of her live, but she went for something a little more conventional, taking on the name of the ride's manufacturer, Weber.

According to Mrs. Wolfe/Weber, she fell in love with the ride at the age of 13 and was immediately attracted to the ride 'sexually and mentally'. Now, more than 20 years later, she visits the park 10 times a year and sleeps with a picture of the ride plastered onto the ceiling. Hell, she even collects and carries around the ride's nuts and bolts.


This is a sex joke waiting to happen, people.



Addendum: Well, thanks to Beni (and NO thanks to my lazy attempt of video research) here is a nice documentary about objectum-sexuality, especially the three women I mentioned in my article. Here you go:



...it's only the first part, you can find the rest on The Tube, obviously.